I have an issue on my hands.

A friend's daughter is getting married in a few months. The bridal couple has asked for cash on their wedding web site, as follows:


"We are grateful for your love and support. It is enough. If you wish to do something more, we are living temporarily in [City] so hauling stuff around for the next couple of years isn't so much fun in Dad's 2004 minivan. Donations toward a new-to-us car, house down payment, honeymoon, etc. would probably be easiest for you and us. Repeating, however, that we appreciate all you've done for us and we're so happy you can join us for our wedding."

I have been invited to a surprise shower for the bride (as well as the wedding, of course). I plan to attend both.

Now what? A shower means you shower the bride with gifts. Do I give a gift of cash at the shower and then again for the wedding? Do I show up to the shower with no gift?

I always thought wedding shower gifts were supposed to be very small. I remember receiving a pepper grinder, book ends, just very basic things. So should I go get the bride a small kitchen item that is highly portable, like a cutting board? Do I give a gift card, and if so, for how much?

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So should I go get the bride a small kitchen item that is highly portable, like a cutting board?

I would say no to this, esp. since other people might also have a similar idea.

Who is organizing the shower? Can you ask that person for guidance? Could you ask your friend (bride's mother)?

In the absence of other info, you could do something like decide the amount of money you are comfortable with giving as a gift, then either halve that and give half at shower, half at wedding, or give 1/3 at shower, 2/3 at wedding.... Wait, or, going with the "very small" tradition, 1/4 money at shower, 3/4 money at wedding.

We didn't have a wedding shower, since they're not a thing in Japan, and I don't think I've ever been to one! How odd.

Anyway, post back about what you decided to do and whether the bride's mother still likes you afterward.

In a time long ago I read both Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post cover to cover. I can offer you the classic advice that they would offer.

However, time has passed and the way they did things back then are not the way we do things now.

I suggest that you give them something you think they would like. It need not be expensive. If it is to be a gift card and perhaps a gift card from someplace unusual. Perhaps something no one else thinks about much like a spurtle. Or perhaps an entire spurtle set.

We are all freestyle these days and as long as your gift represents your best effort to bring joy, there is no wrong answer.

Give cash and a token gift for the shower so there is something to open.

Ordinarily I would not recommend this, but they have made a reasonable case for cash. Understandable given the area.

Just give cash.

Seriously, just give cash.

This may be the best advice of all.

Sounds crass to me but I’m likely behind the times.

I have a philosophical objection to giving cash as a gift. I think a gift should be so,etching from the heart, something that you know the person well enough that you get them what they need, even if they didn’t realize they needed it.

I have been known to invest enormous effort in picking just the right gift.

I’ve been criticized for this stand many times (“what I really want is money!”), and I’ve broken my own rule on occasion. But, it’s what I believe. My kids have learned to sigh and go along with it.

How about I give the total amount at the shower that I was planning to give for the wedding? Then give nothing for the wedding.

Wedding couple writes one thank you note instead of two; I keep the same budget. Wedding couple doesn’t notice or care that we gave no gift for the wedding, and if they do notice they will remember the generous shower gift. Perhaps the oversized shower gift raises expectations, but who cares if they are disappointed in their greed?

Too weird? Or is it smart?

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How about I give the total amount at the shower that I was planning to give for the wedding? Then give nothing for the wedding.

I would say no to this.... Partly because shower gifts are sometimes perceived as "for the bride" while wedding gifts are "for the couple." So I would want to give a gift at the wedding for that reason...

Edited:
Can you not ask the shower organizer or the bride's mother? Something like "we recognize that the couple is asking for no gifts, and we're planning on giving a monetary gift at the wedding, so what is the shower organizer hoping for the bride?"

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Originally posted by Cindysphinx:
How about I give the total amount at the shower that I was planning to give for the wedding? Then give nothing for the wedding.

Wedding couple writes one thank you note instead of two; I keep the same budget. Wedding couple doesn’t notice or care that we gave no gift for the wedding, and if they do notice they will remember the generous shower gift. Perhaps the oversized shower gift raises expectations, but who cares if they are disappointed in their greed?

Too weird? Or is it smart?

No. Your considerations here may not be recognized in all the hullabaloo, and you may just be seen and having not given a wedding gift. Small amount for the shower pus token (your favorite kitchen tool, etc - great garlic press is a favorite) and the larger amount for the wedding.

I’m with Mik. That sounds like a good solution. The small gift with the $ at the shower could be something consumable, (that you know they like).

I agree with Mik and Jodi as well, even down to the good garlic press. (I have one from Williams Sonoma and it's life-changing.)

As an aside, their request for money is one of the better ones I've seen. I've received ones that are sort of demanding, and read like "come to our wedding and bring us cash." This one acknowledges up front that they are most looking forward to your presence, not your money. Too bad they're not (presumably) considering a money dance at the wedding. Those can be lots of fun.

Hmmm. I thought I was being smart with the "all at the shower" idea. Does the wedding page statement of no gift necessary mean I'm off the hook for the wedding and I can give the whole enchilada mgbat the shower?

Part of the problem is that it is a surprise shower, so I cant ask the bride or her mom.

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Originally posted by Nina:
I agree with Mik and Jodi as well, even down to the good garlic press. (I have one from Williams Sonoma and it's life-changing.)

As an aside, their request for money is one of the better ones I've seen. I've received ones that are sort of demanding, and read like "come to our wedding and bring us cash." This one acknowledges up front that they are most looking forward to your presence, not your money. Too bad they're not (presumably) considering a money dance at the wedding. Those can be lots of fun.

Yep. I have two garlic presses - one an expensive stainless steel that is the berries, and a cheap pot metal one from Target that is a terrible press BUT has two compartments - the second one slices garlic cloves nice and thin and it too is great when you need that.

I thought their request was well supported too.

Edit: here's the press - can buy on Amazon now.

https://www.amazon.com/Garlic-...id=1580341986&sr=8-4



Meanwhile, back to our regularly scheduled discussion...

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Part of the problem is that it is a surprise shower, so I cant ask the bride or her mom.

Hmm. Maybe ask the organzier?