quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:
Jesus, Cindy. That’s above and beyond.

+100!

Good grief!

Also, Ax you must have an amazing memory to be to resurrect this thread!

Just don't ever put your plans on FB. Problem solved.

quote:

Originally posted by Cindysphinx:
Well, this is timely.

We recently had to leave town for LS college graduation, and then on to a vacation.

A relative asked to use our home to house her motorcycle club, which is a group of about six women I have never met. This meant that while I was doing all the things one does to prepare for a two week trip, I also had to get the entire house ready for guests. Laundry. Linen changes on all beds. Thorough bathroom cleaning, including replacing moldy shower curtains. All manner of tidying.

I'm sorry, but I thought this was pretty forward. Who asks to flop in someone's house when they go on vacation? Mr. Sphinx didn't want to say no to his sister, so there we are.

Did I have to do all that prep? No. Am I comfortable letting strangers see how filthy and disorganized I am? No.

Never again.

The answer to that one is not yes or no, but "You cannot be serious".

What I think some people don't realize is that by asking you create marital discord. Once she asked, I couldn't say no because it isn't up to me.

Had she instead said she was looking for an Airbnb and wanted to know if it was in a good location, my husband and I could have had a quiet discussion about whether to offer our house without all the pressure. Mr. Sphinx would find it easier to say "Dupont Circle is nice " than to say "No".

Yes, just asking can create marital discord. But, for some couples, maybe that's because their desires conflict.

A lot depends on how close the husband and the sister are. And what the sister's financial situation is. And how much the husband is worried about that.

I can certainly imagine a situation in which the husband and his sister are close, and the husband actually wants his sister to use the house when he's away.

I can also imagine a situation in which the sister asks obliquely whether it would be an imposition, and the husband says no, not at all, but then rephrases it when he presents the fait accompli to his wife.

And I can also imagine a situation in which the husband told the sister, any time you want to stay with us, you don't need an invitation, just ask. Either with or without telling his wife that he made such a blanket offer.

And a lot depends on the house, too.

All of which is to say, every situation is different. And every person is different, too.

If Mary Anna's sister, or any of her close friends, happened to be traveling through Oklahoma, I'd actually be shocked if any of them asked her to recommend a nice hotel in the area. They'd ask if it was ok to stay here, and the answer would be, of course! And that wouldn't bother me at all. We have guest bedrooms for a reason.

Likewise, in a different thread, pj mentioned that he was going to be in Dallas sometime this summer, and did we have a couch he could sleep on if he came up to visit. Was that a presumptuous self-invitation on his part? Not at all! I'm glad he asked. It would be great to meet him.

Some people don't react the same way as others, I guess.

Yeah, that's different Quirt. My sisters would assume they'd stay here.


But they wouldn't bring their motorcycle club.

quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:
Yeah, that's different Quirt. My sisters would assume they'd stay here.


But they wouldn't bring their motorcycle club.

It's still a self-invitation, which is what the thread was about.

But let me try two in between my hypothetical and yours.

My daughter is traveling with some college chorus mates. Would I mind if they asked if they could stay here? No. And I doubt Mary Anna would either.

Mary Anna's best friend from Florida is getting into some interesting hobbies. (That part wasn't hypothetical, the rest is.) She is traveling through Oklahoma with them on the way to an event. She asks if they could all stay here while they are passing through. Would I mind if she asked? No.

quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:
Yeah, that's different Quirt. My sisters would assume they'd stay here.


But they wouldn't bring their motorcycle club.

And by the way, your response doesn't address pj's request, and I was delighted he asked.

To avoid self-invitations simply 'come out".
Yes, tell the world you are gay.
That will eliminate 99% of the problem.

We have hosted the kid's friends many times.

That is different from hosting adult strangers when you're not there.

The risk of damage rises exponentially if we are not here. In someone else's home, you don't know all the quirks and what things require special care.

And if I wanted to run an air bnb, I would. I dont.

I would be totally fine with the sister part, but NOT the motorcycle club. No freaking way.

Somewhat related...
A former student of mine, whose family is also close friends with friends of mine, plays in the NHL. He was playing on the west coast, but was traded this season to a team about an hour from where his parents live. I said to my friend that his parents must be thrilled to have him closer to home. She confided that they have mixed feelings about it because every game people call them looking for free tickets and other perks of being a friend of a player. I can’t imagine doing this. If I were going to a game I would reach out to him and let him know I would be there AFTER I bought tickets. I would hope to get to see him. But I would never presume to ask for anything of him other than a chance to say hi.

I'm wondering how people feel about the "just pop by" crowd, in light of the self-invitation disagreements. We were told to never "drop by" unannounced. This is a form of self-invitation as well, but doesn't even imply a stayover or whatever. I would always call me sister, or parents, or a friend beforehand and ask if it was OK if I came by... even though I knew the answer was almost always going to be yes.

I'm wondering whether those of you who think it's OK to self-invite to stay at someone's house or attend an event also think it's OK to drop by unannounced....?

quote:

Originally posted by Nina:
I'm wondering how people feel about the "just pop by" crowd, in light of the self-invitation disagreements. We were told to never "drop by" unannounced. This is a form of self-invitation as well, but doesn't even imply a stayover or whatever. I would always call me sister, or parents, or a friend beforehand and ask if it was OK if I came by... even though I knew the answer was almost always going to be yes.

I'm wondering whether those of you who think it's OK to self-invite to stay at someone's house or attend an event also think it's OK to drop by unannounced....?

It used to be fine. Less so since cellphones were invented.

I would never drop by someone’s house unannounced (absent an emergency). And I wouldn’t be too happy if someone did that to me either.

The exception is a neighbor who stops by to give you something or something where there’s no expectation of them being asked in etc.