I'm thinking that cultural differences may be at play here, at least in part. I'm not terribly familiar with Japanese customs, but from what I do know, they seem to be very different than what I'm accustomed to. Interactions are more formal and scripted. One of my colleagues at the Merc wrote a book called Understanding and Working With the Japanese Business World. He also taught a class for employees who were interested in learning more about Japanese customs. I quickly learned I would be a bull in a china shop in most situations. I've always marched to the beat of a different drummer when it comes to rules of etiquette... I learned this about myself at a relatively young age...

I don't get the false pretenses concept, probably because I don't think of a gift as "I bought this for you". I think of it as "I am giving you something that I think you would like and/or use." How much I did (or didn't) pay for it doesn't enter in to the equation. YMMV.

I'm appreciative to the gift giver for their thoughtfulness. As a gift giver, I hope that whatever I give someone will be something that brings them joy, but if they give it away or throw it in the garbage, that's OK too.

I'm also not one who feels that someone else is obligated to reciprocate if I give them a gift. And I don't feel the need to give a gift in return when I receive one. There's no gift scorecard.

Forever more I will look suspiciously at any gift you give me.

quote:

There's no gift scorecard.

This is how I like to see things for myself. But I also know that not everyone feels that way, and if I give someone a gift, they may feel some sense of obligation as a result. Certainly Japanese culture tends toward this more so than in the US, but there are certainly people in the US who mentally keep score.

BTw, my friend came over today, we’re giving her some plants that we can’t take with us. I told her I’d received those two bottles 3-4 years ago so they may not be any good but she said she was happy to try and find out!

quote:

there are certainly people in the US who mentally keep score.

For these folks, I take the approach that Joshua did in War Games.





edit: (thought I had posted this before)..

Glad to hear the plants and wine have a new home!

Say "Thank you very much."
Then find recipes that require it or pass it on.

Re “not to play” — that doesn’t work as well in cross cultural interactions.

quote:

Originally posted by ShiroKuro:
Thanks for all the comments everyone!

So, this is interesting because I just realized an inconsistency in myself. I said I didn’t want to “out” us as non-drinkers if someone gave us wine… and certainly I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable.

But I don’t think I’m comfortable with or willing to accept someone pouring me a glass of wine and pretending but then not drink it.

Why not just say “oh I’m sorry we don’t drink”?

If I’m at someone else’s house and offered wine or other alcohol, that’s what I always do.

Normally, I would agree, of course.

I’m thinking of a situation where you bring a bottle, they serve it, and they call you out. Like they say SK and Mr. SK brought a bottle of whatever. I would want to avoid creating a situation where I m refusing to drink what I brought. So I would fake it, and just leave it the glass untouched.

Not essential to handle it that way, but it is an option. It is the sort of thing I would do if I were pregnant and didn’t want to let on.

Cindy, that makes sense.

We’ve only taken wine as a gift for the hosts once, and they didn’t open it.

And at this point, we haven’t hosted any events since before covid.

As I think I said, we are moving soon, and I’m hoping that we’ll do more hosting again (and attending) in our new location. So as awkward as I am sometimes, hopefully, we’ll have to think more about these kinds of “social etiquette” questions because we’ll be socializing more!

Hope springs eternal…