So I have three sons, all in their 20's.

I am looking for guidelines on boundaries...

So how many texts (spaced out over several days) is too many to send your kid before they reply?

Do you have a call schedule? When my kids were in college, we had regular calls on Sunday nights...

Now that they are out of school...hmm...

I am thinking I am in the 'between' stage or is it that I am a mom of sons?...

As a daughter myself, I have been very connected with my parents...Sons? I am not sure.

I asked my kids to come and help me move a couch..OMG...they were all so busy..and yet...When they need something...MOM!!!!

Who knew that parenting would continue this long..heh..

Perhaps some training is required...

MrsTuner had a few times where she escalated texts over a period of a few hours to get a response. Something along the lines of:


blah, blah blah.

Hello?

Is there something wrong?

Should I worry?

Flipped over the car and in a ditch?

Hello?


Granted, both our guys have jobs that allow them to have access to cells and the ability to respond! She maybe touches base once a week or so. They now know to check back right away...

It’s not just sons. My daughters don’t talk on the phone much ... with anyone, far as I can tell.

They do like to see me, though. We just saw Rebecca in Oregon, and she’s asked me to come up again during the summer, because otherwise I won’t see her until Thanksgiving, and, in her view, that’s too long.

Is it a generational thing, combined with the age of the children thing, combined with gender?

I talk or text with my mother several times a week. She lives alone, and she's over 70 now, so she knows I'll worry if she doesn't get back to me relatively soon, so she always does and IIRC I don't think she ever waits until the next day to reply. But I think that's because we both figured out that neither of us have any tolerance for wondering if the other one is ok. IIRC there was one time awhile back when maybe I hadn't posted on FB in a while and hadn't been in touch and she texted me something like "hey are you ok" and I responded immediately. I once a long-ish time ago texted her something like "text me so I know you're ok and don't have to call the police."

These days she emails me articles all the time, and I do that sometimes. We are also always asking each other things. I tend to ask her "domestic" questions and she tends to ask me tech/PC/phone related questions. Neither of us wants to wait for an answer for very long, so we tend to be reciprocal and try to get back to each other pretty quickly.

But when I was in my 20s, of course pre-internet, I don't think we talked on the phone that often. And then when I moved to Japan, having a phone call was a major event -- and expense. After the internet/emailing started to become a thing we gradually shifted to that and I think the frequency of communicating increased naturally, both because technology made it easier and also because our relationship evolved as I grew up.

TL;DR: maybe your sons are too young still?

Beelady, I think that Shirokuru is onto something when she asks whether your sons are still young in terms of what their long-term communication style will be. There may also be a factor of taking you for granted that comes into play because they all live fairly close to you. (Right?) They think, "Mom's right over there and I can talk to her any time." But then a lot of time goes by and they don't.

As for not answering your texts, maybe they would come to be more adult about it if it were pointed out to them that this is the way teenagers behave?

Gender may or may not be in play. My son is my child who is most interested in regular communication, and he has a job where nobody apparently cares if he makes his weekly call to his mom from his desk. I might not hear from him as much if our phone time had to cut into his family time, so I'm lucky there.

My daughters are so, so busy and they don't have the option of calling Mom from work, so the calls are a bit less frequent and they often come while they're commuting and have a free minute. We are in more frequent contact by text or Facebook, and it's often just to share fun memes or interesting articles, but those are relationship builders, too. With them, there are often a few days of texts and phone tag before we can get our schedules and time zones to gee-haw, but they do respond and they do seem to enjoy our talks. Where I'm sure gender does come into play is in times of stress. My daughters are much more likely to call me when they have a problem than my son is, but I think they all do generally value my counsel when the chips are down.

It used to be that a phone call from a kid would put me into immediate panic mode. But lately my son will *initiate* a phone call (skype, but details) just to chat. My daughter almost never calls. When she was in Australia, we would insist on a phone call every few months, which in many cases just didn't happen. Time zones weren't too friendly for that, either.

We all tend to text as our most frequent mode of communication, usually via FB messenger, which has a means of notifying you when a text has been seen. I don't expect much via text, and am often happy just knowing that a text has been seen (proof of life). Like MA, we tend to just send articles, funny photos, or the occasional "how's it going," with a short response. But it does keep us in touch.

I did have to train both of them that they needed to respond to the "hello....?" messages, even just to say, "hi, busy, later..." I know they're both on their phones a lot, so if they go into radio silence for a long time, I do worry.

It occurs to me that cell phones and texting are both a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to have a method where we can quickly and painlessly send anything at any time, even just goofy memes and such. But it's not great that there is the means to be in frequent, quick contact and the potential lack of independence that brings.

When I moved away from home, I would call for a brief (5 minute max) chat every week or so. Long distance was expensive. There really wasn't an option to settle in for a good chat. When I think of how often I'm in contact with our kids today, I wonder often about our parents, sending us into the great unknown with virtually no means to communicate with us. I knew I could often find my mom at home, but she wasn't able to find me near a phone except late at night or on our scheduled time.

quote:

It occurs to me that cell phones and texting are both a blessing and a curse.

+1, not just because of the dependence issue (which is real IMO) but also because cellphones and texting make us (ok, me) assume that someone is always reachable, and therefore, when they aren't reachable, something.must.be.wrong.OMG!

Mmmm. I tend to be the ones not responding promptly to texts. I just don't see why I have to be a slave to my phone. Texts aren't going anywhere, so I read them when it suits me. I mean, do you expect me to fish my glasses out of my purse every 15 seconds?

Where was I?

Well, maybe don't initiate contact until they do? Then see how much time passes. Maybe it won't be as much as you think?

I say that because each of us has our own Contact Timeline. Maybe you are reaching out at the absolute worst time. If you hold off and watch to see when they reach out, you can maybe get an idea of their down times?

I think you just need to let them know that same day reply is good, just so they don’t make you worry!

Our guys are 31 and 26. They live within a few miles from our house. We never talk on the phone. But we do text a lot! Cat pictures, food pictures/questions, goofy stuff.

I don’t think we ever let a text go unacknowledged for more than half a day. These text conversations happen at least 2 or 3 times per week. I try to have face-to-face time (usually dinner at our house) at least twice a month.

My sons, even the busiest, call or text me almost once a day however briefly. We have joint discussions and Skype together, even occasionally (one especially) watch movies together on special sharing programs. Not to mention FB for one, though the other (me too) are gradually dropping that program.

Perhaps this is because I am older than many of you, plus health problems, and they live farther away. Also, their father is a miserly louse (and they are gradually realizing the role I played of necessity). I.e., they "appreciate" me - also may be trying to make up for long periods during which they were downright abusive. (I refer to them as they were then as "you", since I recognize how disturbed and confused they were then.)

I must say I greatly envy those of you who live so close to your children. Yes, and perhaps daughters would be more responsive and helpful in many ways (can't see a son wiping a butt, etc.). I am single and worry greatly (as do they) about emergency situations.

Besides Spotify Premium, several costly comp apps, many other aids and numerous gifts (I try to stop him), that son has subscribed to a fall detection service for me - supposedly, the best. (It has a GPS service that works anywhere in the country). All well and good, but even though they are contacted if I fall, what then? They can hardly fly in from their distant locations at the drop of a hat. Friends fine but I have none who are ALWAYS available day and night - work, kids, have no car, etc. Busy, busy, busy (or have cancer, and/or other severe problems of their own.)

As for strokes or DVTs etc, I scarcely dare think. It's scary. One son wants to subscribe to an elder check-in service that charges $100/month just for her availability. Sounds good, but if I need intervention, her time costs $75/hour which I think is much too much, especially for here. I certainly don't want said son to pay for it and am searching for an alternative. His salary is excellent but not THAT much so.

Shame my "immediate" family are such in name only - also...nevermind.
I've gone there so many times ($$$).

(Re time with kids, we just returned from a two week vacation in FL together in part to "celebrate" my mother's 96th birthday - realisticaly, probably the last time we will see her. Had a great time together in the AirBnB with intermittent contact with bro and SIL nearby. Again, more affluent son footed most of the bill.)

They are truly devoted, but practically speaking - nu? My fantasy of living near at least one for safety and concrete closeness is fading fast, though, especially as I hear reports such as Beelady's about her moving the couch request. Ouch! I've noticed around here anyhow, that poorer local families tend to get more help from their kids, at least if relationships are good.

(I suspect in BL's instance, she is the victim of her self-sufficiency which she has demonstrated in spades. I think they have trouble seeing her as anything but the one to succor them - almost magically. The notion that she might actually need help just doesn't penetrate. Hoping daughters in law - as often seems to happen - eventually help fill the breach. I remember the same thing happening to one grandmother - so much continued to be expected of her from her younger kids, even when she was suffering from cancer. It was as if they could never see her as an ordinary mortal. )

quote:

Originally posted by ShiroKuro:
She lives alone, and she's over 70 now, so she knows I'll worry

I believe I am triggered by the idea that a 70-year-old living by themselves is of an age to be worried about…

I do think age is a factor here. I spoke with my mother every day for the last four years of her life, after my father died. For the 40 years or so before that that we were pretty much birthdays, holidays and maybe a dinner once a month. They are always pretty clear that they wanted us to be independent, and I think it helped that they always had each other.

With my kids, we can go out quite a long time without talking, and the most frequent communication is texting. They do a good job of always pretending to be glad to hear from me if I do contact them. My daughter is by far the most likely to check in on me periodically for no particular reason, so there could be a little gender thing going on too.

I have no complaints. They’re old enough that I want them to be independent, and they are great fun and company when I do see them, though that may not be as frequent as I would enjoy.

Any of y'all want to borrow a kid sometime, just let me know. I'll even send him with a box of mac & cheese. He won't be much help moving a sofa, I'm afraid.

quote:

I believe I am triggered by the idea that a 70-year-old living by themselves is of an age to be worried about…

quote:

I must say I greatly envy those of you who live so close to your children.

Replace "parent" and that's me, I really wish I lived closer to my mother! Besides everything else, I just enjoy talking with her and spending time with her. We share a lot of the same sense of humor and really make each other laugh.

Too bad she's 15-ish hour drive away.

quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:
Any of y'all want to borrow a kid sometime, just let me know. I'll even send him with a box of mac & cheese. He won't be much help moving a sofa, I'm afraid.

You say that, but I bet after a few months you would start to miss him...