quote:

Originally posted by Doug:

My daughter is by far the most likely to check in on me periodically for no particular reason, so there could be a little gender thing going on too.

My daughters do not do that. Maybe they'll do that when they're older and more mature, and I'm older and more decrepit.

quote:

Originally posted by QuirtEvans:

quote:

Originally posted by Doug:

My daughter is by far the most likely to check in on me periodically for no particular reason, so there could be a little gender thing going on too.

My daughters do not do that. Maybe they'll do that when they're older and more mature, and I'm even older and even more decrepit.

Fixed it for you.

quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:
Any of y'all want to borrow a kid sometime, just let me know. I'll even send him with a box of mac & cheese. He won't be much help moving a sofa, I'm afraid.

quote:

Originally posted by jon-nyc:

quote:

Originally posted by QuirtEvans:

quote:

Originally posted by Doug:

My daughter is by far the most likely to check in on me periodically for no particular reason, so there could be a little gender thing going on too.

My daughters do not do that. Maybe they'll do that when they're older and more mature, and I'm even older and even more decrepit.

Fixed it for you.

Thanks!

I was too old and decrepit to realize my mistake.

This is a timely discussion for me. Some of you may remember that in addition to my stepson--who just turned 29 and is suddenly in better contact with his father than he has been for years-- i have an adopted "son", a young man who came into my life when he was 5 and who is now 31. He sends me mother's day texts and we have been in regular contact since he successfully rehabbed (he vanished during those years he was on heroin and I only knew what was happening from sporadic contact with his father). We've become even closer since his father dropped dead just before his 60th birthday--and amazingly it seems to have made A stronger, more independent. He's putting himself through college and has been on the Dean's list every semester. I am so proud of him. But a year ago he broke up with his long time girlfriend, a woman he thought he was spending the rest of his life with, and I haven't seen him since. We've had dates for dinner that he canceled at the last minute. Just last weekend we were supposed to have lunch with him and he never showed up, after texting how excited he was to see us.

I called and texted him and asked him to just let me know he was okay. No answer.

Needless to say, I am very worried.

I thought about calling his mother. Then I thought: he's 31 years old. He's no longer the little boy who needed a safe harbor with me. It would be weird to check up on him with his mother--wouldn't it? (She and I are friendly, but not friends. She dumped him on us many weekends when he was a kid and she had a boyfriend over and his father was overseas. I was always thrilled to have him, btw).

So, after one call and one text, should I do more? Mr Pique has the same fear running in the back of his mind that I do...

I'd send a text, saying we're worried, can you just let us know you're ok.

I don't know what I'd do if there was no response to that.

Call his mom. For your own peace of mind.

My kids call when they need somebody to listen. If they don’t call, it means things are good. I’m fine with that. We check in if we haven’t heard anything for awhile.

I'm with Jodi and Quirt. Yes, text him and let him know you're worried, but call his mom, too. Y'all may not be best friends and it might not be the most pleasant call but, deep down, she'll probably be glad to know somebody cares about her kid.

Also, she might not know that he's dropped out of sight and she might be able to get in touch with him if she knew.

Sorry you have this worry, pique.

Don't know how this suggestion will sit with you, but depending on how worried your gut tells you to be (guess we all know how regrets at inaction can eat at us forever), you might send him some kind of card or note - even a small meaningful gift - sent with tracking and required signature.

Once long ago (but not long enough for me to have forgotten my great anxiety - not unwarranted), I didn't hear from a son for ages regardless of calls and FB messages. This was after a horrifically alarming FBK post.

Granted, he was much younger than your young man then, but I was still pulverized. I know it sounds funny (and in a tragic-comic way it was), but the only way I elicited a response, was sending a threat to his FB page to post certain baby pictures if he didn't at least let me know he was alive.

It worked! [edit: nudity - was involved .] He was mad but I finally heard from him. *

I realize this doesn't pertain but it's an example of how ingenuity can indeed be the mother of invention - as appropriate for age.

Personally, I'd rather over-react than under following my personal decision guideline to minimize regret when in doubt. How this might translate to your situation is not on my radar. (I realize there is a risk in the other direction too - that embarrassment, especially if in any way public, can lead to estrangement. When lives are at stake I prefer that gamble, though. Not to say that texting first can't help, though it's a bit uncertain when it comes to eliciting response. So easy to ignore, and bad enough that there's no face to face. Besides which it lacks
even a voice and can get lost, besides.)

*Evidently, he'd forgotten I didn't then (any more than now), know how to scan and upload pictures!

Thanks, everyone, for your input.

A was living with his girlfriend and that the last address I have for him. If they split up he's unlikely to still be living there, but I suppose it's worth a try writing to him there.

His oldest brother committed suicide when he was only 4. His father was always terrified of how much A is like his eldest, temperamentally--he was an extremely volatile and emotional child. As a young man he's been on a much more even keel in recent years. But in middle school he was committed to a psychiatric ward briefly because when a girl rejected him he was so upset he threatened to blow up the school. He hasn't been that child for a very long time. I've been stunned over and over again at how really well he turned out despite everything that went wrong when he was a kid. What i fear most is him having a relapse. Anthony Bourdain keeps coming to mind. Does anyone ever come back permanently from heroin addiction?

I think the suggestion to call his mother is probably the right thing to do. She has always been grateful to us for taking him in. And when A's father died I helped her find a good estate attorney to work on A's behalf. (I don't know if anything ever came of that-- a long and off topic story)

I bet if I framed it as that if A is in trouble Mr. Pique and I want to help she would be grateful. His father was always the one to take things in hand, and now he is gone.

Meanwhile, I'll write to him again directly and only go to her if there is no response.

I just don't want to stalk him!

Thanks again for your suggestions.

ESP. for PIQUE.

Just happened onto this old thread doing a search for recommended streamed series (What IS with the site search engine??)

Anyhow, it reminded me of your (pique's) problem at the time.

Hoping you've heard from adoptive son and that things at that end are well! (?) Fingers crossed.
Also, that you came up with a solution re how to elicit responses when great worry prompts.

He called me a few months ago and asked if he and his new girlfriend could come spend the weekend with us. And they did. I was disturbed to see that something is definitely wrong with him now, but was so grateful to be able to just be there for him--and that he knew he would find a safe harbor with us. He didn't tell me what had gone wrong, and I didn't ask. It was more important to just be present for him without judgment.

I almost forgot about this thread..

Update..Middle and Shorty work at a swanky restaurant (ah, college, who needs it! They make more money than me!)..

So when I do not hear from them, I go there for dinner and sit at the bar where Middle tends...He has to smile and wait on me and clear my dirty plates.

A month or two ago I was there and another woman at the bar was doing the same thing!!!