I wrote about Dave when he died about 18 months ago. Best friend, best man at my wedding, Namesake of my son. His passing tore me up and I still miss him.

His wife is Ann. They were married 50 years plus. No kids, namesake of my daughter. Matron of honor at our wedding lo these many years ago. Even talking about Dave makes her tear up.

But she’s met somebody through a friend from church. He’s ten years younger. They’ve been dating, more or less. They both have baggage but he treats her like a queen. She’s enjoying both the company and the attention.

We learned about this tonight, and the presentation was such that she was asking for affirmation - that this is OK. That it’s not disrespectful. That it’s ok for a woman of 75 to flirt.

In Victorian days there were well understood rules as to how to handle situations such as this. Those rules are gone and are now handled on a freestyle basis. I’m not sure what she’s looking for - she knows what she’ll get from us. Life is short, go for the happiness. Be cautious but allow yourself to experience as much joy as you can find.

So what say you? Is 18 months mourning long enough? After 50 years of marriage is dating acceptable at all? Does your opinion change if it’s within your own family?

What’s your experience?

At 75 life is short.

No experience. But if it makes her happy, life is short. (Which is exactly what you said)

As you point out, social norms have changed since Queen Victoria wore mourning for Albert for decades until the end of her life.

I don't know Ann, or what her relationship with Dave was like. Some couples have the "after I'm gone, I want you to be happy and it's ok if you find someone to be with" conversation before one of them is gone.

As I recall, Dave's illness was sudden and catastrophic, so it's possible they never had a chance to give each other "permission", as it were. Maybe she's looking to you guys to be surrogates for him.

In the aftermath of such a loss, her judgment might be biased/clouded. I think your advice to her is wise: You have a right to be happy, including having someone in your life, but be careful. The "be careful" part is really important.

More power to her.

18 months is plenty.

I remember asking my Dad if he thought he'd date anyone after my mom died. He said had he been 10 years younger yes, but not at his age then, which was almost 78. He was a frail 78 though.


My mother's mother died in her 60s and left a widower who was just 59. He started dating a widow in the neighborhood and eventually married her (she was always grandma to me, my real grandma died before I was born).

Before grandpa married this woman, my mother had a dream that they were getting ready for the wedding and her (deceased) mother was right there in the room with her husband and his fiancé. In the dream, mom says to her mom "why aren't you freaking out about this?" Her mom answers that its ok, because she's not in this world anymore. I guess that was my mother's way of making peace with the idea.

My brother’s widow started seeing someone about a year after he died, and was remarried within two years. She was wonderful to my brother while he was alive, even more so while he was dying. More power to her.

My parents also gave her the thumbs up, though I think they were more uncomfortable with it than they admitted.

She got the most pushback from her kids, who didn’t want to see anyone as a “replacement.” I think it both helped and hurt that the new guy was in most ways complete opposite of my brother. they got over it.

I stopped by their house on Easter, and was reminded of what a good match they are and how happy she seems. So it can work out, I hope your friend can be as happy.

I have little experience other than spending some time with my mother in old folks' homes. There was always low-key flirting among some of the residents. I say "enjoy" and be happy for some companionship. Otherwise it's the ladies' stitch-n-bitch circle.

The time to honor your loved ones is while they are here. I'm not saying she should wear a red dress to his funeral, but if Dave is the guy you love, he would not want Ann to be alone and lonely. I know I would not want that for My Favorite Redhead. I've even spoken to my daughter about it, as statistically it is far more likely I will go first. I don't want either of them to be conflicted about my widow going forth and finding new happiness.

My mom passed away six months ago, and I would love for my dad to find someone. The sooner the better.

Definitely thumbs up here.

quote:

Originally posted by Cindysphinx:
My mom passed away six months ago, and I would love for my dad to find someone. The sooner the better.

Cindy, I’m sorry to hear that.

Life is short. Go for happiness. Always.

If I’m the one who died, I would want the people I love to find happiness ASAP. I don’t want any of to ever feel obligated to mourn for me. If they choose to mourn, I hope they are smart enough to compartmentalize so as not to let mourning get in the way of their happiness.

She should go ahead, knowing she could get her heart broken.

quote:

Originally posted by Cindysphinx:
My mom passed away six months ago, and I would love for my dad to find someone. The sooner the better.

Oh my, that sounds ... personal. I'm sorry to hear about your mother.