eta: Just saw your other posts, pique...I'm just repeating the points you've raised...

Continuing the Star Trek theme...your situation, while different from mine is similar as it is a bit of a Kobayashi Maru

quote:

30 years of that is a long time. how did you handle the stress?

I knew the situation was stressful but didn't realize how much so until I heard from another neighbor that the problem people were never coming back. I felt an enormous wave of relief wash over me; it was a palpable physical reaction. It took months before I stopped checking to see if she was outside before venturing out myself. Can't tell you how much I appreciate the peace and quiet.

I think where are situations are similar are in dealing with someone who is not in control of their emotions and who takes out their feelings on other people in inappropriate ways. There's a difference in degree, of course. Your neighbor came over to your house to confront you; my neighbor was passively aggressive from her back yard. I'm also guessing your neighbor is more likely to own a gun.

To apologize or not...My neighbor was a serial verbal/emotional, and later physical, abuser of her husband. No matter what he did, and he bent over backwards to keep her happy, she never let up on him. I placated her for the better part of 15 years and it worked, but they were minor issues and it was no big deal.

I think your neighbor is also an abuser. And you're right when you say that your apologizing or placating your neighbor won't stop the abuse. It may defuse the immediate situation, but all bets continue to be off for what happens down the road. You end up dealing with each situation and see where things go from there.

I think there are two alternatives I'd consider in your case. You could "apologize" - maybe something like "sorry for the misunderstanding" and leave it at that. He may pick apart your apology as not being good enough, no matter what you say. (edit: Oh, wait. He's asking you to apologize for the dog barking request? No way.)

Or do nothing, at least for this go-around. As I said before, I believe he is looking for a fight. If you don't engage, he may get distracted and find something/someone else to lash out at.

As for reporting it to the police...I went to the police station early on when she was being verbally abusive to me, and the cop said they would have to talk to her to get her side of the story before a report was filed. He acted like it was a nothingburger (which at that time it really was despite how unpleasant things were) and I decided not to file a report because I knew it would inflame her. A decade later, the cops were here sometimes three or four times a day, multiple days each week. It took that long to play out.

I used to tell my Mom what was going on, and she was afraid that the neighbor would do something like throw some poisoned meat over the fence to hurt our dogs. Oddly enough, after Neighbor Lady moved here she told me a story about how her collie got sick and died. She thought her neighbor might have poisoned it. I didn't know if she was capable of something like that, but I never let my dogs out in the yard alone. I was always checking the yard for any signs of a tainted bait. I think your locked gate idea is a good one, and if you don't have cameras to see what's going on where your horse is, I think I'd consider investing in some so you can keep an eye on things.

More thoughts about a police report..

In your case, he's been aggressive. so it might be time to start reporting them so a track record is established. Your attorney friend may have a better feel for that. Or you could just talk to the police and stop short of filing a formal complaint. It will at least alert them that there are things going on.

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asking them to keep their dogs inside at night so that i can sleep. that was three years ago. i

The first time my neighbor stopped talking to me for five years was right after they moved in. Her husband used to let their collie out at 4:30 am, then go in the house and get ready for work. Collies are barkers and she would bark for 20 minutes till he came back to let her in.

I happened to see NL one morning and asked if Mr NL could wait by the door and let the dog in so she didn't bark to be let in. I gently pointed out that our bedroom windows are right near their back door, and that Mr wtg couldn't fall back asleep after the dog's barking woke him up. She launched into a rant about how they were taking good care of the house and cleaning up some problems the previous owners had left. I agreed and expressed my admiriation for the improvements. I also steered the discussion back to the topic at hand, said I understood that dogs bark, and repeated my appreciation for their efforts to minimize it.

She didn't take it well. Didn't talk to me for five years, until they needed someone to take care of their dog because a family emergency was taking them out of state. She sent Mr NL over, tail between his legs, groveling and offering to pay us for our help. We said no problem, no charge.

thanks for all that perspective, wtg. it is helpful for context--and also perversely a kind of relief to know that even mild mannered people wind up in these situations. at least it isn't just me.

we did talk to attorney friend who emphasized that we should not reply to the email at all. he did suggest that i wear our .22 in a scabbard when i ride my horse on the road--not to touch it, but just to let the neighbor see it. (i don't think i'll be doing that.)

i absolutely intend to lock the gate that leads to the barn and put up more cameras (we already have 4 inside the barn) and start recording what the cameras see. i also am going to put a sign on the gate announcing that the property is under video surveillance.

i think i will still call a local attorney who i have briefly had dealings with in the past and get another opinion. the attorney friend is in georgia.