I agree, Mik.

We are also going through this with the last of the four parents, my dad. He is in assisted living near where my sister lives. Brother and I live far away, but brother can get there with a 13 Hour Drive. For me, it is a four hour flight.

I feel left out because I am left out, but I also appreciate that my siblings are doing their best. I would be astounded if there is a fight over what is left of the estate. So far, we siblings have gotten along well.

I am not happy about every decision, however. For example, we moved my dad from Arizona to be in a facility near my sister. After about two years, she purchased a second home in Arizona, and so is no longer in the same city as my dad for half of the year. So what was the point of moving him?

I think I could have done a much better job as executor, but that is the sort of thing that one should shut one’s mouth about.

Been here a week and things are up and down. Sis and I are tag teaming, one of us goes in the morning the other in the afternoon to break things up for Mom.

After our last bad experience at rehab, we moved Mom to a much better facility..She is not happy but we are..The staff are so lovely, sympathetic, caring and act on our concerns.

We are just working to wean Mom of her some of her many meds, get her pumped to do her PT so she can attend a family wedding May 6th..She has mentioned it so we know she is thinking about it..

But then we have days like today where she says she just wants to die...

Tomorrow is another day ...

I have to say, squatting in Mom's place has worked out. Sis and I have our own space we are not on top of each other..We regroup twice a week or so for dinner to compare notes but otherwise have our own space and our own time with Mom.

My father's cancer struck when he was so young (57) and it took him so fast (six months) that the end-of-life issues were different. My mother, even younger and a registered nurse, was able to handle his care. She had worked in performance review, interfacing with insurance companies, so she was able to handle the evil machinations of the people trying to avoid their contractual responsibilities to pay for the hell my father was suffering. When they tried to deny payment when he was hospitalized because he was already too frail to be driven to his radiation treatments, just four months after he first became ill, she got on the phone, asked them what diagnosis code they were using and said, "I certainly hope something like this never happens to you." My sister and I were both several hours away and working, and I had two preschoolers, but we were able to visit often and go with her to doctor's appointments. We were all on the same page on his treatment plan, which was to make him comfortable but not to prolong the inevitable. We were there for each other. He would have been happy to know this.

My mother was also young (62) when struck with a very aggressive cancer that was also expected to take her in months, but she responded unexpectedly well to treatment and lived ten more years. Eight of them were good years. She moved to be near me and had good years with her grandchildren and me. My sister had two children. She saw a great-grandchild and knew another one was coming. However, her last two years were very hard. Her mind was still sharp, but her failing body took away her freedom. We were fortunate to be able to afford in-home care, because I was the single mom of a middle-schooler trying to finish a book. I was at her house daily or at least in touch by phone, but I would have collapsed emotionally if I'd had to be her sole caregiver. Eventually, metastases to her hip meant that she could walk, but she shouldn't walk. Blood pressure fluctuations caused her to faint unexpectedly in mid-step. This happened while my sister and BIL were helping get her to my son's wedding four hours away, and they saw how it was. I just wasn't big enough to handle that situation. We got her a nice place at an assisted living facility, but she hated it. We found her a much nicer place that she did like. Even there, we had to pay for a caregiver to sit with her and there was, at the end, some danger that they'd ask her to leave, because the falling danger required two people to help her out of bed and even then it was physically hard on their staff. This was more than a year after her doctor told us it wouldn't be six months. I still had other family members and I was still trying to not be unemployed, so I went to Arizona to see Muffin's Sister graduate from culinary school and to spend my son's 25th birthday with him and to do a book signing. She went into hospice and died while I was flying home, and I still missed the graduation and birthday.

The years that she was sick were incredibly difficult, even though I had the help of the in-home caregivers and the assisted living facility. I was completely unable to meet her emotional needs, and I still feel that failure after more than a decade. My sister was far away, with a job and small children. She visited as often as she could, but her most important role was talking me off the ledge when I was melting down over that day's failure to be whatever it was that my mother, with whom I'd always had a wonderful relationship, wanted.

My sister and I were always a hundred percent in agreement that my mother's money was for her. She and Daddy saved it, and this was why. It should be spent on making her comfortable and as happy as possible, even if it took every last cent. I realize that we are fortunate enough to have all that we need and most of what we want, so we could afford to presume that there would be no inheritance. We did not fight over her things, because they're just things.

I was the executor of the will and there was never the slightest breath of a question that I wouldn't split everything down the middle. My sister and I are very different people, but we have each other's backs. Our parents would be very happy to know this. I am very lucky.

Mary Anna, your parents raised great kids.

Thanks, Mik.

yes you are very lucky. what an uplifting story of you and your sister.

Mom has asked us to bring in hospice.

We have a consult with palliative care tomorrow then we go from there.

She is so weak..but her brain still has never waivered...She was quizzing us on each of our kids by name today, keeping up on their doings.

Our Dad had demenia in the end...We think this is worse...Mom knows exactly what is going on..

We tell her the truth...We love her and will do what she asks us to do and we have told her so. We also tell her how much we love her.

As we left tonight in her weak voice...she told us how much she loved having the two of us with her together...bittersweet.

Hugs to you, Beelady. ♥️

I'm so sad for you. I hope you're as ok as you can be, under the circumstances.

As many of you saw, Mom pulled through and attended her grandson's wedding on May 6th (via my car, in the pouring rain!)

I have no space here (nor mentally) to vent on the healthcare system that let my mother go so far as to be rushed to the ER, near death, only to be diagnosed with dehydration and malnutrition while having been in rehab...yeah..

She has been home in her apt for 2.5 weeks now with a full time aide (Dora is a SAINT!) who leaves on Saturday..Mom's birthday.

Mom is so much better but is enjoying an aide more than we think she should... Mom can now answer the phone, send email...her only issue is strength, standing and walking and managing some medical maintenance issues (her fingers just cant open bottles etc.).

And while Mom is getting stronger, my sister who insists on arranging everything, at this point today has not yet made arrangements for an aide to come in the morning and evening as we agree Mom can handle...

So I am to go down on Friday, celebrate Mom's BD, hopefully drive the LOVELY aide to her home so she doesn't have to pay a cab..then stay myself with Mom till we get the new arrangement made..

Hmm...

It really is nice to be able to call and have Mom answer the phone...and talk about all things current.. She will be 93 on Saturday.

I feel like your Mom's story isn't that uncommon, BL. How wonderful she was able to improve and go to the wedding!

There's no easy way to approach these types of long end of life situations. When my dad had dementia neither my sister and I lived nearby. I was the closest with about a 3 hour flight/drive to get to he and my mom when necessary, so I ended up trying to go down there as frequently as possible. In our own case things became super complicated because my parents were unwilling to spend much money (which they had) on in-home care. My dad went into assisted living and eventually hospice when I would have loved to see them just bring in someone to help him and have him stay at home as long as possible. But I was simply unable to convince them that they could afford it and if it meant they drained their entire life savings we didn't care about receiving anything as an inheritance. I think part of it was just unwillingness to look at mortality head-on. I am a numbers nerd, so I ran a spreadsheet of their expenses out 10 years, showing that they would still have money after 10 years. My mom's comment: "well, what happens then"? I pointed out that my dad would be like 99 years old, she would be 93, and.... if they still needed care at that point I would be happy to just pay it. This was a hard conversation to hear/have.

Hang in there, everyone.

Just got off the phone with my sister...the issues are way more than Mom...racism and kindness...

I love Dora, Mom's aide. She is from Ghana and came to live with her aunt and uncle to get an education. In her time off she is taking copius notes while online...and with us she is so warm, attentive and funny!

I told my sister that I would love to drive Dora to her home on Sat..She had arrived by cab and I expect that came out of her pay...It is about a 25 minute ride. No problem.

But sis started on all the scheduling issues around Mom's BD lunch etc..too far, too time consuming...Mom HAS to go in my car as my sister's is too high.

I took a few deep breaths..I am going to insist on Mom's fav place by the water, invite Dora to be our guest and then we will drive her home together with gratitude.

I will talk with Dora directly tomorrow with my idea and let her make the decision..NOT my sister.

woo boy..