I think I've probably told y'all all my stories after all this time, but this one's so long that maybe I didn't?

I have done a squillion blog posts over the past month or so, as those of you who follow me on social media know very well. I try very hard not to make them perfunctory, so this time I've done character interviews with both my main characters, I've talked about science in a couple of different ways, I've talked about researching historical novels, etc., etc., etc.

This post, though, is for the blog of a friend of mine, Donis Casey, a fellow writer. Something about the title of the blog, Tell Me Your Story, and the fact that you sometimes open up a bit more when writing for a friend, means that the guest posts there are emphatically not perfunctory. (If you go there, you might want to take a look at Wendell Thomas's and Clea Simon's stories.) I felt like I had to step it up for Donis, so I told a story that might interest y'all. (And if I've told it here, I apologize for the oversight.)

So, anyway, here's my shot at the Tell Me Your Story theme, if you're interested. It takes me a few paragraphs to get to the old man who sorta threatened me, so hang in there.

If You Want Me to Do Something, Tell Me I Can't

Urrrrggh.

Have now located two typos.

I just wrote Donis and asked her to fix them.

Please pay no attention to the typos behind the curtain.

Great story. Thank you.
Hope the book becomes a movie and makes a bunch of $$$$ for you.

Being a (mostly retired) engineer older than you, I have seen your story played out in various situations, not only for women but also for various races, ages, and ethnicities. I think there is progress, but not always enough.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

Big Al

It's been thirty years, so I certainly hope there's been progress.

I was so naive in 1979, I thought the women's movement was done. "We're here, so it's over," was the way I looked at it. And simply being there was such a huge thing that there's some logic to that position. But, looking back, there were women in my classes who were absolutely capable of doing the work who changed their major because they just didn't want to have to deal with the carp.

Just because I'm stubborn and stayed with it through graduation and for a long time after doesn't mean that it was the smart thing to do, relative to my mental health.

But look at the stories I have to tell!

Yes, you have have some good stories to tell and you tell them well.

I certainly ran into a milder version of that at a similar time. I didn't work in hyper-masculine areas, like oil rigs or chemical manufacturing plants, so I was spared.

I did work with a variety of engineers and technicians, predominantly male. Many were great, some would openly or passive/aggressively refuse to help me. This ranged from the petty (like not answering my questions directly, not honoring my negotiated deadlines) to blatant. I sent one of these yahoos a draft of a technical training document for his review/buyoff. His single comment to me about the draft was, "I don't have time to review your work, if you don't know this information you should just go back to the kitchen." Of course he knew that both his department and mine required a technical review.

Gaaaah

A few things that still stick in my craw: even the nice engineers I worked with didn't stick up for me in public. Several laughed it off, like the jerk had made some sort of joke. Turns out the jerk was a big poohbah, so the decision was made to have a different person do the technical review, instead of confronting him on his comments.

I wonder if "Victor" would have said anything had the two of you not been alone together.

Thanks for sharing!

I wonder if Victor would have taken him out…

Well, Victor did have the chance to say something.

I don't really blame him for not doing it, although I would have been grateful, I think. The old dude might have perceived accepting help from Victor as feminine weakness on my part. But that's just an example of the no-win scenario that guys like that deliberately craft. What were my options? I think there were three:

1. I could take umbrage and become the woman who can't take a joke.

2. I could let Victor speak up and become the woman who can't take care of herself.

3. Or I could do what I did, which was to ignore his ploy.

I've kicked myself for my response over the years, but looking at it this way, I think I understand why I thought the third option was the best one. It cut the old dude off at the knees.

Victor may have seen the power dynamic like this when he elected to let me deal with it by refusing to take the bait. Also, I ranked him substantially in the company. I had a master's degree with a few years of experience in doing project management, and I believe he was an undergraduate student who had just been hired. He might have been deferring to my judgement.

I left one thing out of the blog post, because I ran out of space. Many years after the old dude chatted me up about stuffing little girls in barrels, I told the story to a man I knew whose brother-in-law had been the highest-ranking enlisted man in the Marines, traveling with presidents and such. He said, "I don't think you understand what was happening there with Victor. Those guys take care of their brothers. When he offered to take the guy out, he was acknowledging you as a brother."

I like that notion.

quote:

Originally posted by Nina: His single comment to me about the draft was, "I don't have time to review your work, if you don't know this information you should just go back to the kitchen."

Gaaaaaah! I am incensed on your behalf.

quote:

Originally posted by AdagioM:
I wonder if Victor would have taken him out…

I don't think so. I can't imagine him getting physical with a man old enough to be his grandfather, but then I've never been an Army Ranger.

He might have said something to him, though, if I'd asked him.

Great story, and a deeper dive into your fascinating personal history than one usually gets in n online world.

I like to think the offer to take him out was Victor's way of supporting you, but I also suspect he was savvy enough to take him out administratively had you said yes.

I think you mean "going through channels" by "administratively." That's certainly possible, but I really think he would have just said something to the old coot. (Possibly while looming threateningly. )

I might have been the one more likely to go through administrative channels. I would have had a few options.

Option 1: I could have protested onsite. The plant manager was around there somewhere, I could have found him and complained. It was rural Georgia, so it would have served no purpose. I would have gotten a profuse apology, and possibly the plant manager would have ushered me around with a humiliatingly exaggerated air of deference, but nothing would have happened to the old man but a couple of attaboys after I was gone. (As an aside, I have wondered whether the old dude might have been the former plant manager, staying on in an assisting role during the transition to a new manager.)

Option 2, I could have gone to my supervisor, Jerry, who was a personal friend. He would probably have encouraged me to just do the job if I could possibly stand it, because the man was almost certainly not going to stuff me in a barrel. If he'd tried, Victor would have taken him out. At most, Jerry would have called our client, the bank from whom the company wanted to borrow money, and told them to tell the Georgia dudes to cut it out. This would have put me back in the getting-a-tour-from-insultingly-obsequious-Georgia-men situation. It wouldn't have made sense for me to go around Jerry and complain to the client. The result would have been the same and it would have naturally more pissed Jerry off.

Option 3: I could have just told the old man to cut it out, and it's what I've been kicking myself over for all these years. Why didn't I do that? I guess because I didn't want to watch him develop total amnesia of the "I have no idea what you're talking about. Women sure are touchy" variety, although I did have Victor as a witness. Absent Victor, this would be followed by either the obsequious treatment or else more bad behavior because he knew there would be no consequences. I don't know what Victor's presence would have done.

And yes, I think you're right, Mik, that the offer to take him out was Victor's way of supporting me.

Another thing--I first told Jerry about the incident last summer. I don't know why I waited that long to tell him.

I feel like that person who keeps sticking their head back in the room saying, "And one more thing!" But here's one more thing.

Companies don't apply for loans that they don't need. Sometimes they needed them so bad that I got pressure from clients who wanted to tell me what my report should say. (Good luck with that.)

It makes no sense to treat poorly the person whose report could sink your much-needed loan. I guess he could have been trying to intimidate me into writing the report his company wanted, but it didn't feel that way. (If he was trying, others did it better and with equally disappointing results.)

It felt like he was enraged in general at the environmental regulations that were being foisted on Amurrica, and he was enraged in particular that those regulations had put a woman in a position of any power over him whatsoever.