We'd often observed in our small family that everyone gets along pretty well. Dad died years ago, mom is still in her house and my two brothers families are doing well in different parts of the country.

We felt a little struggle from my younger brother and his family when our oldest came out 10 years ago, or so. (They said they would pray for him...) When he announced his plans to marry (just happened last Friday!!) my brother's family announced that they wouldn't be attending because they don't feel that gay marriage is a cause for celebration, though they think they can still treat him the same.???

Oh boy. Won't be doing Thanksgiving together. (I feel bad for mom. Remember she has Mesothelioma which has just drifted into her lymph nodes so is progressing - pretty sure that is why younger is coming to town this year.)

My brothers don't normally come here to be with mom or us, but this year younger brother and family scheduled a trip to stay with mom for the weekend. We will see about Christmas.

Not really looking for answers, not sure if there are answers. Just wanted to vent a bit.

I'm really sorry. It's very difficult when families have philosophical disagreements (and when one side is clearly wrong).

I'm sorry to hear this. Feel free to vent as much as you need to!!

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though they think they can still treat him the same.

I have a take on this that might not earn me any credit with your younger brother ...

This shows a striking lack of empathy. And now I'm gonna go off the deep end. I'm guessing there may be a religious root to this disagreement. Statements like this are characteristically Christian ways of hypocritically (pharisaically) keeping within the letter of the tradition while completely ignoring the spirit of the tradition. This "language of acceptance" is NOT accepting behavior. Grrrrr.

P*D - that's the way I see it too.

Our youngest pointed out last night that it would've just been more acceptable to him if they just responded to the invite by saying that they wouldn't be able to attend. (coming from out of town.) Adding on the "we don't feel it is a reason for celebrating" "we can't support that behavior" just took it up a few notches.

quote:

Originally posted by rontuner:
P*D - that's the way I see it too.

Our youngest pointed out last night that it would've just been more acceptable to him if they just responded to the invite by saying that they wouldn't be able to attend. (coming from out of town.) Adding on the "we don't feel it is a reason for celebrating" "we can't support that behavior" just took it up a few notches.

Absolutely. He wasn't just refusing to condone. He was actively announcing his disagreement.

I am so sorry. What a hurtful thing for them to do - to spell out the reasons like that. (Wondering, though, would you have been as unhappy if they’d just said no, knowing that this was likely the reason?)

Virtue signaling. He has it down pat.

I'm sorry for the pain that his actions and words have caused. It will be his loss to miss out on what will be a joyous occasion for the rest of the family.

How about you adopt some new family members? Please tell your son that Aunt wtg sends her absolute best wishes on his happy news! Really. He's probably over the moon with his good news; it's a shame if it gets overshadowed...

Jodi - I can't know for sure, but it feels like it might have gone over better for us.

The "cluelessness" of it all just surprised me too. In an exchange of emails, it seemed he had no idea that their statements might cause pain and anger...

Yes to what P*D said, esp re lack of empathy.

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In an exchange of emails, it seemed he had no idea that their statements might cause pain and anger...

I wonder if maybe you should let him know that.... I've been thinking a lot about this, and about what the best way to react is. In general, I always like the idea of taking the high road, but it's not clear to me what the high road is here.

For example, I don't think "the high road" necessarily means avoiding conflict or letting people get away with being hurtful.

I also think the high road involves protecting those we love.

Which is all to say, I think you would be very justified in letting him know that his actions have caused hurt and anger, both for your son and for you. But perhaps in a very carefully worded letter/email rather than in a confrontational conversation?

What does your son think about all of this?

quote:

Originally posted by rontuner:
it seemed he had no idea that their statements might cause pain and anger...

My brother and his Klan (yes, Klan) may soon get a loud profane earful of my thoughts on their wilful ignorance and lack of empathy.

I'd be tempted to sneak in a statement that "we not only support gay marriage but also believe that slavery is wrong, that people who engage in sex before marriage should not be executed and other things that are most likely inconsistent with the teachings your faith. We'll have to agree to disagree on morality."

I think it's a damn shame that they felt entitled to make that comment at all. They had to know it would cause hurt in the family, at a time when your mother very likely wants nothing more than her family to be together and harmonious.

They could have simply begged off the wedding for schedule without casting judgement on it, an attitude I suspect everyone already knew they held.

Maturity includes understanding where your rights end and others' begin.

I'm so sorry this is happening in your family. I echo what everyone else has said here. I just don't get it. People are people, not political or religious pawns.

"Virtue signaling." Exactly. It's so judgmental, drives me crazy.

So sorry for the pain in your family, ron, at what should be a joyous time.

That's especially considering the fallout to come at other holidays and major family events.