Well pianojuggler said he wasn't going to create the thread.

...

Not getting laid #1:

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

#2

How to get laid: lay on bed, wait two hours, lay becomes past tense.

for #1