(I am typing this in part as an homage to Cindysphinx, who always had such interesting posts about the challenges of parenthood.)

OK, here's the deal. Ninette #1 has played volleyball for years. For those of you who care about details, she is a setter. She's good. She's been in contact with a few D-III schools to play in college. (She wants to go to a brainiac school and she likes the D-III mentality of putting school before sports.) A brief sporting bio: She's been on the varsity team for 3 years--her senior season just ended this weekend. She's played every minute of every game on JV from freshman year on (they are allowed to play on both teams until senior year and the smaller schools like hers do that fairly regularly). The varsity starting setter for her entire high school career was a year ahead of her so we're thinking she will get significant playing time her senior year, most likely as the starter. The coach has refused to sub her into any games as backup--even in blowouts. In the meantime, she's been the captain of the JV team, they've always had winning records, she's been a real leader, a good kid on the team, etc., etc. In addition, she plays club ball and her team won the state championship last spring with her as setter and unofficial MVP. Her club coach was shocked to hear that N#1 didn't get any playing time in the previous season. So I'm really not making it up when I say she can play. Her biggest problem is that she is short, which is a handicap for a volleyball player. HOWEVER, there is a two-setter rotation that's used when your setter isn't tall--basically the setters sub in for each other and play only on the back row, where height isn't necessary (since you're not even allowed to block if you are on the back row). OK, are you still with me? There's more. (I told you this would be long.)

So here we are, senior year. Over the summer, the coach sends out an email to the entire team, setting up a special summer practice for "serious setters only" who want to be the setter for the next year. The coach takes a shine to a sophomore, Ninette #1's backup last year. She clearly prefers this individual, gives her all her coaching time, and says absolutely nothing to Ninette #1--no coaching, no nothing. N#1 talks to the coach about how she can get more playing time--what she needs to work on. She gets a list of abstract nothingness: "Step up your game," "be a leader on the court," and the one that infuriated me, "improve your attitude." My kid definitely does NOT have an attitude issue--she is a good, respectful, hard-working player. If she asks if she will play in the game, the coach gets all huffy and "You'll be playing if I put you in." Like duh.

So the first scrimmage of the season rolls around and she leaves her on the bench for all but 3 rotations--not even a complete game. This is a scrimmage for heaven's sake! She is the only player not to get decent playing time--which is kind of the point of the scrimmage. N#1 says she doesn't want to play her senior year if she's just going to be on the bench--she's served her "bench time," and would rather do something like the school play. I'm thinking I'd rather see her do the school play (and save my $ athletic fee), so N#1 talks to the coach to see what her playing time intentions are. The coach says N#1 is the better setter, a great leader, blah blah blah, all nice things. She says she wants to run the 2-person rotation. N#1 comes home all happy and decides to stay on the team.

She sits on the bench for the next two games. She finally gets some playing time at a tournament, where she plays (surprise!) well. They advance and in the first real important game, she doesn't play her. They lose. In the next week, the other setter misses two days of practice, which should be a mandatory 2-game suspension. N#1 is happy because she figures she'll definitely play in the next match because of the mandatory suspension. Wrong. Right before the game, the coach says she's not going to play her because she had a bad practice, got frustrated and cried. As if that has never happened to any other girl on the team. She benches N#1 for two games, and benches the absentee for only one, despite the fact that the rules clearly state she should be out for two.

So N#1 goes and talks to the coach again, and the coach tells her happiness and light. She finally starts playing her, and she is playing well. Two weeks before the "big game," N#1 goes to the coach and says one of her biggest goals in HS volleyball is to be on the court when the team finally beats their rival (they've never beaten them). Coach says great goal, I'll help. Big game comes. She doesn't play. They lose. Coach refuses to play her in any of the really big games. They lose every one. (I must admit, that gives me a snarky satisfaction.) Coach never tells her she won't play her--implies that everything is going along just fine, then just leaves her on the bench. N#1 has been in tears multiple times as it dawns on her during the game that she won't be played. At a minimum, I would think that if a regular player is going to be left on the bench, the coach should at least let her know and perhaps explain why. But this coach doesn't say a thing. To this day, we have no idea why N#1 was benched when she was.

The season finishes, they are fourth in state and N#1's stats are as good or better than her competitor's. She's played in the last 11 games (they won), and done really well. The other coaches compliment her. Parents in the stands tell me how well she's playing. The coach herself says, after the final game where N#1 played really well, "If you play like that at the state tournament, there's no way we're going to lose."

State tournament weekend--first game against a lightweight (since the high seeds play the low seeds). She doesn't play. Second game, against the 5 seed--she plays well is thinking, "great, I'm playing now, she wanted to give some playing time to someone else in the early rounds." They win. Of course. Semifinal match against the big rival (the same one from above). She doesn't play. Other setter gets hit in the face and they pull N#1 in to play. She thinks great! I'm getting to play. She quickly pops off 2 assists and just as quickly they sub her back out again. She doesn't even get to complete the rotation. So her emotions have gone from super-high to dashed in about 2 minutes flat. She is back on the bench, crying.

They lose the game. Surprise. N#1 is a good setter, and much more strategic and aggressive than the other girl. I honestly believe they would have won the game had they let her play. The other team members are shocked she didn't play. Team members and the coach from one of their opposing teams from earlier in the tournament came over and said they were shocked she didn't play. They only games they have lost all season are games that N#1 didn't play in.

I am beyond peeved. I feel like this was really an awful experience for my daughter and one that was wholly manufactured by the coach and her head games. I am definitely thinking of having a meeting with the principal (who is a huge N#1 fan--even writing her letters of recommendation for college) and the athletic director to talk about how this coach's methods are hurting the program. Because, honestly, if I were a girl on JV or a second-string player and watched what happened to N#1, I'd think very seriously about whether there was any point in playing on the team. Oh--one more thing--the coach was interviewed for the local rag at the beginning of the season and mentions how she has no experience at setter this year. Doesn't three years as starting setter in HER JV program count as experience?

So, am I nuts to think that N#1 got shafted? What's the deal with this coach? It seems like a personal thing. I am feeling really awful for N#1, and the way her senior year season, that she had such high hopes for, has ended. I am, to be honest, spitting mad.

What would you do? Have a meeting? File it away under "character building" and move on? Honestly, I feel like there's a thin blue line thing going on, where none of the starting players or their parents will ever say anything about the coach because the coach will respond punitively, and someone needs to speak up and stick up for kids like N#1. Now that the season is over and there's no playing time retribution in the mix any longer, then there's nothing to lose. Or maybe I just fold my tent and leave.

(just a small smiley sample of how I'm feeling right now.)

I'd have the meeting with the coach, the principal, and the superintendent of the school system. If your daughter got treated that way, someone else's daughter will, too.

And, if I didn't get a satisfactory response, I'd be writing a letter to the local newspaper, and a separate letter to all the parents of the JV team, warning them what might happen to them.

Not for the first time, I'm reminded of how I'd love to have you as my attorney if I were ever to need one.

We saw this sort of thing happen in baseball fairly often.

If you're serious about volleyball helping to pay for college you may want to consider changing schools. Several of our friends did that, to good effect. It's a PITA, but if you're looking at $150K in scholarship money it might be worth it.

Quirt is right on...

I would add that if I were you I would have a bit of something in writing as well, like the games schedule with playing time noted. Bring it with you to the meeting but have copies in case you find the need to offer one to the principal etc.

It is too easy for the coach to "remember it differently" but if you have a solid record of what transpired, she can't waffle.

Holy moly. Poor N#1 that's horrible. I would definitely talk to everyone with any power and would warn the JV players and parents. No way no how would I fold my tent and leave about this!

I think it's time to kick some @$$ and take names!

I definitely do have a good record of each game. Including stats.

Steve--N#1 is a senior this year, and won't be a scholarship student, regardless. The only schools she's interested in going to are big-time D-1's (like ASU, UW) where she would be clearly out of her league, or small private D-III's that don't offer scholarships.

But that leaves us in a weird bind, too--I don't trust this coach as a reference should the situation come up. I'm told that club experience is more important and her club coaches have been very supportive. But it is still a weird gap. "Please don't contact my high school coach?"

I'd explain to my daughter that life ain't fair.

It really doesn't matter what the coach did or why. I have to assume the coach did what she thought best for the team. Right or wrong, it's done.

Kids need to be taught to look forward, not focus on the past, even the recent past. The past is to be built upon, not dwelt upon.

I hear you, Rick, and we've definitely been focussing on that aspect of the story with our daughter for the entire season.

But unless someone speaks up, how will this coach (and the athletic director) know how her actions were perceived? Is there no accountability?

To be clear, had she said up front, "I won't play you, you aren't good enough because you are lacking in skills X, Y, Z," then my daughter would have swallowed hard, made a decision to remain or go, and moved on.

But this was, IMO, bad coaching. A coach should be able to tell each player, specifically, what they have to work on. A coach should have the goal of developing every member of the team, not just the starters. Every player should know where they are, and what role they have, on the team.

My daughter's club coach's comment was, "Yep, there are coaches who are really into the power and authority of the job." I think that's exactly right, but it doesn't make for a good coach at a small high school.

But I get your point, and you may well be right.

quote:

Originally posted by Nina:
I'm told that club experience is more important and her club coaches have been very supportive.

That has also been our experience. If she is not going to use volleyball for scholarship $, why list the high school coach as a reference at all?

Nina -

quote:

But unless someone speaks up, how will this coach (and the athletic director) know how her actions were perceived?

You don't know that there will be accountability even if you do speak up. My experience with similar types of people is that they are not of the "accepting reality and feedback" sort.

OK, one final vent. (maybe )

Both assistant coaches thought N#1 should play. None of them was willing to talk to the head coach about it.

One of the coach's comment after my daughter asked her how she could get more playing time, "You need to understand your place." What? How encouraging is that? And, btw, what was her "place." I would think that a coach would be thrilled to have a hard-working, skilled player who is eager and asking for ways to improve. Not tell her to "know her place."

quote:

Originally posted by Jeffrey:
Nina -

quote:

But unless someone speaks up, how will this coach (and the athletic director) know how her actions were perceived?

You don't know that there will be accountability even if you do speak up. My experience with similar types of people is that they are not of the "accepting reality and feedback" sort.

No, but the AD and principal are. Remember, this is a charter--a school of choice. People choose to enroll their kids here and in return the school is generally very responsive to parental concerns--as long as the concerns are valid and presented rationally. That last part might be hard for me, though.

quote:

Originally posted by Nina:
I hear you, Rick, and we've definitely been focussing on that aspect of the story with our daughter for the entire season.

But unless someone speaks up, how will this coach (and the athletic director) know how her actions were perceived? Is there no accountability?

To be clear, had she said up front, "I won't play you, you aren't good enough because you are lacking in skills X, Y, Z," then my daughter would have swallowed hard, made a decision to remain or go, and moved on.

But this was, IMO, bad coaching. A coach should be able to tell each player, specifically, what they have to work on. A coach should have the goal of developing every member of the team, not just the starters. Every player should know where they are, and what role they have, on the team.

My daughter's club coach's comment was, "Yep, there are coaches who are really into the power and authority of the job." I think that's exactly right, but it doesn't make for a good coach at a small high school.

But I get your point, and you may well be right.

If one assumes the coach acted against what she knew were the best interests of the team, that's one thing.

But I assume she did what she thought was best -- even if her decisions were wrong.

I also assume she doesn't get paid all that much for coaching. I don't see why she deserves to be raked through the coals. Do that, and she will likely give up on it all.

Coaching high school kids is not an easy job. The fact she is willing to do it -- to work with these kids -- is commendable in and of itself, in my book.

So she's a lousy coach. At the same time, she had a whole group of high school girls she worked with daily for a long time and helped keep them out of trouble.

Focus on the good she has done, not her knuckleheaded decisions.